Guest Post Thursday: Grady Nutt - The Quiet Quakers

Grady Lee Nutt (September 2, 1934–November 23, 1982) was a Southern Baptist minister, humorist, television personality, and author. His humor revolved around rural Southern Protestantism and earned him the title as "The Prime Minister of Humor."  Below is a transcription of Grady Lee telling a story from the recording, "Grady Nutt's Favorite Stories From Hee Haw."  I used to listen to this guy as a kid with my family.  An Unofficial Grady Nutt Page actually has links to a great deal of his audio which is a lot more fun to listen to than to read.  Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this.

Different kinds of religious groups get wonderful reputations and some of it is stereotyped.  You know, Baptists are supposed to be, “Haaa!” Hellfire and brimstone, all that kind of stuff; and the Methodists are supposed to be kind of laidback and cool and the Catholics are supposed to swing a lot of incense.  We have just, you know, typical stereotypes of each other. 

Our Quaker friends are called “The Friends” and they worship in silence.  Now Baptists know nothing about that; there has not been an acknowledged silence in a Baptist church since the first century.  The minute it gets quiet, somebody’ll leap back on the organ bench and start playing until somebody finds their bulletin.  You know, we just don’t trust silence.

Well, our Quaker friends worship in silence and they have a very different kind of touch and one of their characteristics that we know about is they’re pacifists.  They do not believe in violence and they believe that the way you take the stinger out of war is not to retaliate.

There was a wonderful Quaker family that had a grocery store in a little community, and two guys decided one night they’re going to rob it.  And so we’ve got the brains of the group driving the getaway car and he sends his, “Heheh, hyuk!” helper, sort of a Woody Woodpecker variety into the store to rob the safe.  Now the Quaker family lived in the back of the store.  And so the guy that’s driving the car says to his dumb accomplice, “Now all you’ve got to do is go in, break open the safe and just get the money and come out.”

He says, “But what if they, what if they find me?”

He said, “You’ve got nothing to worry about; these people are Quakers.  They don’t believe in violence, they’re pacifists, they will not harm you.  They’ll try to talk you out of it, but they will not lay a hand on you.”

“You sure?”

“I’m certain – they’re Quakers.” 

“…okay.”

So the guy goes in, breaks the lock – *tingchaling* - gets inside – doo, de-do-de-doo – he’s in the back, “clank”, and working on the safe…

About four minutes later he comes barreling out that front door, leaps in the car, “GET OUT OF HERE!”

He said, “Where’s the money?”

“GO!”

*VROOOOM!*  And they roared down the street, “Man, what are you doing?”

“Get out of here!”

“Where – is – the – money?!”

“I didn’t get the money!”

“Why not?!!”

He said, “I got the safe open, and I was raking money in a sack, and I looked up and there was this fella, with a goatee, and a nightshirt, and a shotgun!  And he pointed it right at me.  And he said, ‘Sir, I wouldst not harm thee, but thou standest where I am about to shoot.’”